Tomorrow's Headlines [1]

In writing articles for the Star in which I am expected to comment on current events, I often find myself troubled by the fact that copy must be submitted well before publication date, forcing me to respond to news that is not terribly fresh.

In order to offset this difficulty, I will attempt a slightly different procedure, of anticipating next month's headlines. Rather than wait for events to occur, I shall catch them in advance.

In the unlikely eventuality that some of the following events will not have come to pass by the time you read this newspaper, remember that responsibility rests solely with the Editor.

R.C.M.P. Introduces New Headwear

OTTAWA--Responding to public controversy surrounding their refusal to allow Sikhs to wear turbans on duty, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have announced a policy reversal.

In a surprise press conference called following the submission of a copyright suit by the International Boy Scout Movement, the Mounties revealed that the traditional ranger's hat would indeed be replaced by a completely new model.

A team of milliners and folklorists have designed a new hat that incorporates elements from a number of different Canadian ethnic traditions. Essentially, the new model is a flat round black one, with a fur trimming around its broad brim. The actual manufacture will be contracted to Goldberg (formerly Goldberg and Sacks) Quality Men's Head-Coverings, of Toronto.

The basic shape, said the RCMP. spokesman D. Doright, draws on the western-Canadian "cowboy" tradition. The fur border harkens back to our Inuit native peoples, as well as to the romance of the French coureurs de bois.

Reprinted from the Calgary Jewish Star
Some of the mounties seemed to be put off by the cumbersome name assigned, as usual, by departmental bureaucrats. The new hat will be known as "Standard Head-Topping Required for Ethnic and Intercultural Mountie Liaison." Department veterans were confident, however, that it will not take long for the Mounties to come up with a more convenient nickname or acronym.

Departmental officials were quick to deny rumours that the hats had been dumped on them by undercover police units in Brooklyn, New York.

In a telephone conversation with The Star, manufacturer Jake Goldberg was asked to respond to charges that the new design did not satisfy the demands of the Sikhs.

Mr. Goldberg replied: "Sikhs? Who's that?...Oh, you must mean Sacks, my old partner, the gonif, he should only rot! He's not going to get a cent out of this deal!"

Appointment at Beijing U.

In an announcement that surprised no one, the Education Ministry of the People's Republic of China has announced the appointment of Ernst Zundel to the new Chair of Correct Historical Studies at the University of Beijing.

In his official declaration of the appointment, Deputy Education Minister Tel Em-Lais praised Zundel's scholarly integrity and his proven ability "to further the proper study of history without being led astray by facts and evidence."

Mr. Tel expressed his government's determination to put to rest the rumors of a so-called popular uprising and its alleged suppression by the Chinese military. Prof. Zundel will demonstrate scientifically that this was all a hoax perpetrated by the biased media. Students who do not accept that fact will be subject to arrest, torture and other forms of academic discipline.

Canadian officials have expressed their satisfaction at this rare honour being given to a Canadian scholar. In response to protests by Chinese students in Olds, Alberta, former MLA Steven Stiles said: "I haven't seen any evidence of Chinese repression of civilian protests. All I know is that a lot of Orientals are going to use it as an excuse to sneak into Canada as refugees."

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[1]First Publication: JS, June 30 1989, pp. 4c-7c.